Can you proofread my essay? I feel that towards the end of my essay my points become weak, because I may have been that I pulled sentences out of thin air to fulfill the 5 page min (which I have not reached yet). Can you give me suggestions to where and how I could make points better?I am suppose to incorporate into my essay the quote found in Paul Fussel's essay, "A Touchy Subject."
Your suggestions on how I can improve the essay would help me a lot. Thanks!
essay:
In reality, society is comprised of people that fall in one of three classes: lower, middle class, and upper. Our occupation can automatically categorize us in one of these groups. From the janitors and hardworking laborers to the lawyers and doctors, these jobs can fall respectively from the lower to the higher class. The way we think involuntarily in the sense of class is usual, because this is how society runs.
Because society functions the way that it does, people generally separate themselves from the other two groups to which they do not belong. Barriers are essentially created among these three groups, and there is only interaction going on with the people in the same group. Until a year ago, I had never actually experienced what it was like to place myself in a completely different perspective in life. I went to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen not knowing where it was located or what it looked like. The high school’s organization in which I enrolled, California Scholastic Federation (CSF), scheduled that Saturday for the participants to go and help serve the food to the homeless.
It was my first time going there, and I had already had high expectations. I imagined that this place was some restaurant, where they needed some assistance; I did not stop to think that it was in some poor neighborhood, distant from other businesses. As my parent drove me there, I looked at the surrounding houses in that location. The houses were filthy and compact. Although I lived in the same city, it was a completely different area from where I lived. The nice, clean community and the beautiful two-story home that I lived in greatly contrasted this community and its homes.
I arrived at the soup kitchen, and the first thing I saw were homeless men, women, and children waiting outside for their breakfast. It amazed me to see how many of them there were. During my time at the soup kitchen, I was given the task to help take the family's plates to the table. Numbers were shouted out in Spanish and each family came up one by one to pick up their food when they heard their number. I helped the mom carry her little children’s plates. I looked into the eyes of the needy, and I could see how eager they were when their number was called to come and get their food. The families were later settled with their food set on the table, and I could see how happy they were when gathered and eating their meal. It was not everyday I see people show appreciation for the little, simple things in life. I thought to myself how wonderful the life of the homeless has been to be blessed with a home and healthcare. They must have been grateful for what they have been given.
From my observations, I noticed a big gap between my life and the life of the poor. I am not deprived of food or my daily necessities. I sometimes waste food without considering how the poor would have longed for the filling of food in their stomach. To them, the taste of the food is not their concern. The only thing that matters to them is fulfilling their needs to sustain themselves. Moreover, I do not value my daily necessities, as the poor would. Life is different when an individual is poor and started out with nothing. Only after generous donations, does the individual receive his or her essentials. That is why they show so much appreciation. Since I have had all my necessities throughout life, I never saw a reason to be grateful for what I have always possessed.
My visit to the soup kitchen allowed me to see that the circumstance that an individual undergoes influences how a person perceives his or her daily life. As part of the high-middle class, I base my views on “taste, values, ideas, style, and behavior” (Fussell 479), and at the same time, I am still money-conscious. Although I am concerned about my money, I have a different prospective on money as an issue from the lower class. I am not worried about being able to afford food or finding a permanent place to live. My concern centers on my college tuition and the wise way to spend my money. Thus, the different standard of living affects how I think about money compared to the lower class. This is not to say that coming from a high-middle class, that I consider myself more refined and different. I do not discuss stock markets and my daily life over tea parties. My higher status and way of life are the only things that separate me from the rest of the lower class. If we disregard both of these values, the determination and strive purposes are similar.
The problem is that people do not accept the fact that there is some common focal point among the three classes. As a result, we continue to separate ourselves ignorantly from the other two classes. The uncomfortable subject of class becomes something humans cover up and do not bring up.
Nevertheless, there is no society without creating class. As former Socialist and editor of the Partisan Review William Barrett, concludes, “The Classless Society looks more and more like Utopian illusion” (Fussell 482). With the different backgrounds and contributions to the world, there is no way there can be equality.
I assume you're trying to describe social classes based on “taste, values, ideas, style, and behavior”. How do the classes differ in these four criteria?
My suggestion is to take each of these criteria and discuss the similarities and differences of the way these criteria manifest themselves in the three different classes. Some things you might consider are favorite sports (golf, bowling, tennis, skiing, etc.), value of higher education, how money is spent, food choices, etc. How much does a large or small (or nonexistent) income play in these choices? How big a part does money or prestigious occupation or higher education play in determining class hierarchy?
http://www.pathwhelp.org/forums/viewtopic.php?t=1981
And be sure to pay attention to what TchSer told you at PATH.
=)
I added more to this essay. Can you read and see if the essay is okay. Tell me where I can fix. THANKS!
In reality, society is comprised of people that fall in one of three classes: lower, middle, and upper. Our occupation can automatically categorize us in one of these groups. The janitors to the doctors can fall respectively from the lower to the upper class. The way we think involuntarily in the sense of class is usual, because this is how society is structured.
Because society functions the way that it does, people generally separate themselves from the other two groups to which they do not belong. Barriers are essentially created among these three groups, and there is only interaction going on with the people in the same group. Until a year ago, I had never actually experienced what it was like to place myself in a completely different perspective in life. I went to the Loaves and Fishes Soup Kitchen not knowing where it was located or what it looked like. The high school’s organization in which I enrolled, California Scholastic Federation (CSF), scheduled that Saturday for the participants to go and help serve the food to the homeless.
It was my first time going there, and I had already had high expectations. I imagined that this place was some restaurant, where they needed some assistance; I did not stop to think that it was in some poor neighborhood, distant from other businesses. As my parent drove me there, I looked at the surrounding houses in that location. The houses were filthy and compact. Although I lived in the same city, it was a completely different area from where I lived. The nice, clean community and the beautiful two-story home that I lived in greatly contrasted this community and those homes.
I arrived at the soup kitchen, and the first thing I saw were homeless men, women, and children waiting outside for their breakfast. It amazed me to see how many of them there were. During my time at the soup kitchen, I was given the task to help take the family's plates to the table. Numbers were shouted out in Spanish and each family came up one by one to pick up their food when they heard their number. I helped the mom carry her little children’s plates. I looked into the eyes of the needy, and I could see how eager they were when their number was called to come and get their food. The families were later settled with their food set on the table, and I could see how happy they were when gathered and eating their meal. It was not everyday I see people show appreciation for the little, simple things in life. I thought to myself how wonderful the life of the homeless has been to be blessed with a home and healthcare. They must have been grateful for what they have been given.
From my observations, I noticed a big gap between my life and the life of the poor. I am not deprived of food or my daily necessities. I sometimes waste food without considering how the poor would have longed for the filling of food in their stomach. To them, the taste of the food is not their concern. The only thing that matters to them is fulfilling their needs to sustain themselves. Moreover, I do not value my daily necessities, as the poor would. Life is different when an individual is poor and started out with nothing. Only after generous donations, does the individual receive his or her essentials. That is probably why they show so much appreciation. Since I have had all my necessities throughout life, I never saw a reason to be grateful for what I have always possessed.
My visit to the soup kitchen allowed me to see that the circumstance that an individual experiences, influences how a person perceives his or her daily life. As part of the high-middle class, I base my views on “taste, values, ideas, style, and behavior” (Fussell 479), and at the same time, I am still money-conscious. Although I am concerned about my money, I have a different prospective on money as an issue from the lower class. I am not worried about being able to afford food or finding a permanent place to live. My concern centers on my college tuition and the wise way to spend my money. For this reason, I see that the different standard of living affects how I think about money compared to the lower class. This is not to say that coming from a high-middle class, that I consider myself more refined and different. I do not discuss stock markets and my daily life over tea parties. My higher status and way of life are the only things that separate me from the rest of the lower class. If we disregard both of these values, the purposes of striving are similar.
The problem is that people do not accept the fact that there is some common focal point among the three classes. As a result, we continue to separate ourselves ignorantly from the other two classes. People feel that they will be looked down on and treated in a condescending matter. On the other hand, it may be that people fear that they will lose their reputation. The uncomfortable subject of class becomes something humans cover up and do not bring up. The subject of class is consequently left cryptic and obscure.
Nevertheless, there is no society without involving class into the system. As former Socialist and editor of the Partisan Review William Barrett, concludes, “The Classless Society looks more and more like Utopian illusion” (Fussell 482). With the different backgrounds and contributions to the world, there is no way there can be equality. A world of utopia is a world that runs equally. If it is so, then what is of a world without people working at three different positions? After all, a utopian world runs equally. How would it thrive if all people held the same position? This means that no one will hold the other two remaining positions. A world of utopia is an illusion. Ironically, society’s inequality allows society to function as a whole.
Here are some suggestions to improve your essay:
1. Define the three classes: lower, middle, and upper: In the first paragraph, it would be helpful to provide some specific examples or characteristics of each class to help the reader understand how they differ. This would add clarity and depth to your essay.
2. Include more analysis and reflection: While you do a good job of describing your experience at the soup kitchen, it would be beneficial to include more analysis and reflection on how this experience changed your perspective. For example, you could discuss how witnessing the gratitude of the homeless made you realize the privileges you have, and how it shifted your understanding of the different classes.
3. Develop your points further: Expand on the difference in perspective between the classes when it comes to daily necessities and money. In the fifth paragraph, you briefly touch on this, but you could elaborate more on how the circumstances of an individual's life shape their views on these topics. Provide specific examples or anecdotes to support your points.
4. Address the fear and discomfort surrounding the topic of class: In the second to last paragraph, you mention that people cover up and avoid discussing the subject of class. It would be interesting to explore why this is the case and how it contributes to the perpetuation of class divisions. You could also discuss how this fear and discomfort can hinder social change and equality.
5. Conclusion: In the final paragraph, you mention the idea of a classless society as a utopian illusion. It would be helpful to tie this back to your main argument and provide a clear and concise summary of your points. You could also offer a call to action or propose a solution to the issue of class inequality.
Overall, your essay has a strong personal narrative and provides some valuable insights. By incorporating these suggestions and adding more analysis and reflection, you can strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.